I stand outside, staring in with puppy dreams, a childhood unspent and you
you overlord, you man among men, you watch me with an owner’s eyes in a head not yet
wrapped around the things you made me feel.
My heart isn’t played on the radio anymore.
My words aren’t spoken by actors onscreen, playing at being
in love and loved by things unseen, unknown, undreamed by those too young to dream.
I am a crone inside a child’s body, a raven on the wing that looks like a dove
is not what I’ve experienced yet it’s what I can portray as easy as breathing one two three hopscotch never seemed so far away as yesterday when my troubles seemed so far away before I met you and your fist came flying down around my wings.
You loom above the web of lies I’ve spun around myself, the cocoon I hide my hopes in and pray to whoever cares that no one else can find them. They are eggs, so fragile to the touch that one misspoken word could crush them, and with you, nothing is ever misspoken, just undone and wound around your finger as a thimble tries to fix the wounds that haven’t happened yet.
Do you even understand what you’ve done?
Your words are a bloodless sword, a battle fought inside my head as no one else can stop the blows from striking where my armor fails to hide me because yes,
I do believe you
and that is where my naivete died that night, that is where you struck me hard and left me for dead, tied with a red string around my wrist but it wasn’t spun by fate, just lies and words that no one ever needs to know in their entirety, are you aware
I can count the bandaids by twice the scars left on my psyche, the things I dared to believe were true because you, you, you were the only one Brave enough to say them, but it doesn’t take bravery to steal candy from a baby and it doesn’t take a blow to know that something hurts more than words can even say, my hurricane won’t let me see which way I should be running from and which way could hold my rescue, you
sly old thing, you knew that once chained, I’d never leave.
when beauty met the beast, the roles had been swapped inside their minds and no one quite understood just the draw of thinking you can fix
the world inside a broken child’s mind
I came in, scotch tape and butterflies at the ready to kiss it better and wipe away the pain of a life unspoken before now, but lying in wait with words blazing like grenades you tore apart my once
and told me
you’re not good enough for the world to see
just let me be
let me be
let me be
let me be
speaking words of wisdom, from the heart you seemed to see what others couldn’t, seemed to know my true intentions when the truth is that you wanted me to be your mirror, with the cracks and scratches and tarnished soul all in the right places for your twisted games but I didn’t want to play anymore
so the tactics changed, from Trouble and Chutes and Ladders to Risk and Clue and Double Jeopardy, the buzzer keeps beeping at me and saying no, you know what he’s doing, why won’t you go, but the chain around my ankle and the key in my hand don’t seem to fit as well as the world seems to think they are supposed to.
that I should leave
but the leaves on the trees all fall eventually, and I just wait for the day when I will be set free, conscious clean, by words not my own and for reasons not from me
snowfall, rainfall, waterfall, and frozen streams of icicles all drop and shatter on the floor and I can see my face refracting back at me with bruises and cuts where no one can see but my options are running out and I have nowhere else to turn but the mirror that stares and says You Missed Your Chance When His Back Was Turned And Now It’s All Your Fault and I deserve it
every blow, every phrase, every word spoken in anger because I am not the toy he expected to get on Christmas morning when the wrapping paper was torn off and the box was bent beyond returning
I cannot see beyond these bricks that I myself have laid, cannot unsay the words I’ve said to save my dreams from cracking down the seams the way I myself have burst so carelessly
so all I do is wait,
watching the silvery moonlight flow between the cracks I left upon my face and show me how I could one day be whole
You said the L-word but I?
Am leaving you behind
all these memories that scar me beyond recognition can melt to the floor if I claim forgiveness for these deeds and let them go, fists unclenched, eyes opened, dreams unspun and hung on the clothesline for the world to see once more
two years gone and I’ve finally moved on, hallelujah,